A Month Past.

It’s been a month since Ink passed away.  It feels like so long ago, but then again, it feels like yesterday. 

I’ve missed Ink more than anything.  My horse who had my heart and soul, who was my life.  Loss is never easy, it never will be.  I’d give anything just to see his face again.  I feel empty and I feel as if I have been lead off of one path and onto another, the transition has been good, but is not at all easy and I find myself more sensitive and upset than I have been since I lost Ink.  To go on without this part of me, is just crushing me inside.

I made a new friend, un-expectedly on Sunday.  Four years ago when I knew I wanted an OTTB, I had the support and guidance to a source from a friend.  This friend, lead me to TBFriends, where I then fell in love with Ink, through a photograph over the TBFriends website.  Now, almost the same time of year, four years later, I saw this friend again as I went into her tack shop to buy Errika a new bit.  I told her what had happened to Ink.  She then went on to show me a photograph of a big, dark bay gelding, a friend of her’s had up for adoption locally.  Matt was with me and his first word was “Wow” and mine was mutual.  My friend gave me the ladies number and I called later that day.  I had a feeling I wanted to or was going to see a horse that day.  And when I got ahold of the owner, I was out looking at the horse under an hour later. 

As Matt and I pulled up to the driveway of the barn where this horse was kept, I saw him.  He was tall, proud and struck something in me.  Quite quickly, I knew that this was the horse I was lead to find.  Things fell into place really well, including the fact that the owner knew Matt’s family and that Matt had done work through his employer at this very exact barn only weeks prior. 

The next day, this big, dark bay gelding was at the barn, home.  That fast it happened. 

To give a little insight on this horse,( I have no idea what to name him as of yet!)..  He’s only 3 weeks off the track and came off with a mild bowed tendon on the left front.  He’s 4 years old, 16.3hh and overall just a big horse.  He has an innocent, sweet disposition with personality.

I was expecting an OTTB to come into my life really.  If it did it was supposed to happen, but I was not exactly out there looking at off track horses, especially this fresh.

My aunt, who I share many similarities with, found out I had gotten a new horse.  She asked my mom about it and as my mom starts to show her a photo and explain, my aunt is shocked.  My mom told me that my aunt dreamed about my new horse being a dark bay with the white markings on the face, almost identical to what the horse looks like.  Talk about way cool and crazy!

I also want to update on Errika, who’s been my rock of a horse for 7+ years now.  I am thankful and lucky to have her through everything and I am so happy to be enjoying a little fun with her.  – We are going to a play-day/schooling show this weekend!  I have no idea what we’re going to do, but I’m excited.  She’s looking great, feeling great and I’m just so happy to have her!  Love you my girl.

Picture of the new horse.  More to come, I couldn’t upload the rest for some reason?



Nothing Gold Can Stay

Thank you to K*, who sent me a nice card, amongst other things you’ll see soon, wrote down this poem by Robert Frost, titled, Nothing Gold Can Stay.  It was perfect.  It reads at the end of the video below.

I made Ink a memorial video.  It was hard to put together.  I am glad I was home alone, because tears fell like they hadn’t since the days after his passing.  The music is Fields of Gold sung by the beautiful, harmonious voice of Eva Cassidy.  I picked this song because I felt that it was just right for Ink.  He took me through fields of gold.  And it just so happened to come together perfectly with the poem.  I couldn’t make a longer video because it was hard enough just doing 5 minutes.  I wanted to make it very personal and I hope you enjoy this added glimpse into Ink’s life. 



Missing You. – The Secrets.

Ink passed away two weeks today.  A normal, rather boring Sunday.  Matt and I were debating on what to do.  I was disheveledand in an annoyed mood from the moment I woke up that morning.  I think I knew what the day was going to hold.  I knew this day was coming for nearly a year.  A year ago, maybe a little more, thoughts of Ink no longer being in my life, passing on, was haunting me.  Day after day.  It was the kind of thought that sits in the back of your head.  But I looked at him everyday, trying to ease my anxious mind, that he was obviously healthy and happy.  And he was.  He was looking so great, acting like he looked.  But still, each day, sometimes worse than others, there was always this feeling in my mind and heart that something was going to happen.  I didn’t know exactly how but I did actually believe it would have been a colic.  But my mind gave me no real answers.  It was vague on the idea of WHAT.  

I believe that for the last year, Ink and I shared a deeper connection, that maybe I wasn’t truly understanding.  He was telling me everyday.  When I was at A’s* barn a year ago, you had to walk around a corner to the upper paddocks where Ink was kept.  I would look, quickly scanning the paddock as soon as I could see any part of it, for Ink.  Was he OK?  What would I find when I got there?  Ink was never anything but fine when I would go see him, and after hundreds of times walking around the corner to find him looking just as he should, you would think I would have been getting over this weird, obsessive feeling.  At times I felt like I was going crazy.  You have to remember this was all in a part of my mind.  I rarely, if ever, shared this with anyone.  Because I didn’t truly understand it, nor did I think anyone else would.  

In my mind I made sure all the bases were covered.  And like my friend told me, a horse whose being well-kept and watched over properly isn’t likely to colic, at least from things we CAN control.  I was like an over-bearing mom.  I remember writing that on the blog, using that exact word, one time because I suddenly felt this urge and NEED to hold Ink closer than ever.  I suddenly felt like I needed to protect him from anything and everything.  But at the same time, I felt powerless.  And looking at all these things that are now coming together, it makes sense.  I felt powerless because what would be the thing to take my beautiful horse away, was something I couldn’t control.  It was something that I wouldn’t discover until it was time to say goodbye.  

Ink passed away because, even though it’s still hard for me to realize, it was his time.  This is very hard for me to say and even harder to read.  I just wrote that, but at the same time, I’m at peace, with a deep understanding of the greater purpose.  

When the vets and students at UCD did a necropsy, they found a rare and un-usual thing in Ink’s abdomen.  They found a fatty ring which was, somehow contracting the small intestine.  Basically the small intestine would slip inside this fatty ring and then slide out.  That Sunday the small intestine became lodged, unable to slide itself back out.  At this point a part of the lodged small intestine was starting to die off.  

Ink held me close during the entire process.  I was faced with realities and the truths that were being passed to me through Ink, which was hard to process entirely.  I knew it was time, I knew deep down that this was going to be the last day with my beautiful Ink.  

“There is something about the outside of the horse, that is good for the inside of a man.” – Winston Churchill

To Be Continued..

Thank You to my many wonderful friends, family and readers.  I am so grateful to have had such an amazing circle of supportive people in my life.  Thank You all.